What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 00:35
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I will be 64.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It was going to be , some day.
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I think the readers, may guess!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I don,t even have a pension.
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But it wasn’t much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She married twice! .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Who then, do I blame.?
We all went to grammer schools
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Ive learnt so much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When she asked me how she looked .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But, we were locked up after school.
Would this be the day?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
All the time i was locked up.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So whats the point in blame.
One cannot live in the past .
I have no regrets .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
What did i know ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He knew the spot.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was seconnd youngest,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im still living with it.
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I waited trembling.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i lived it daily.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So, i spoilt her more .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She found it foreign!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We were not on the streets..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was in good health!
My family never makes their pension either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My life is so biszare .